This week my daughter Hannah had an EGD performed to hunt for the source of some ongoing stomach issues. After hearing her talk about how much her uvula hurt, I told her I’d write a little something funny to remember the incident. She had been scoped before, and was caught off-guard by how much it hurt this time compared to last time. I helped her through the experience as best I could, and then I wrote the story from a totally different angle. I wrote this mainly for her, but I thought it might make you smile this morning so I included it here as well. Enjoy! 🙂
Hannah’s uvula’s Big Day
Today I woke up like I always do, a little dried out from sleeping all night, morning breath in place, because, well, that’s what happens inside a mouth in the morning. I thought today would be like any other day, but wow! was I wrong.
I got my surroundings brushed up and minty fresh, and assumed I’d be heading off to school with Hannah just like any other day. Boy, was I in for a surprise! I started to realise we were at the hospital about the same time the anesthesia hit me like a ton of bricks. So, I relaxed like any good uvula does under those conditions. Then I heard a lot of talking by nurses and the doctor. And then ….Bam!, out of nowhere, the most massive tube ever made just shoved right past me into Hannah’s esophagus. Quite rudely done, if you ask me. So I’m trying not to gag, while I’ve got this massive tube pressed up against me, violating me and all of Hannah’s mouth and esophagus all the way to her stomach. I see a camera come into view at one point, and realize someone is actually taking pictures of this weird and offensive start to my day.
Finally, it’s over and the tube is gone. Ahhhh, what a blissful feeling. Until I realize I hurt all over and I’m swollen what seems like ten times my normal size! And her tongue– its swollen too, and we are fighting, pushing and shoving, for who needs more room in the back of her throat.
Several hours later, I’m still totally miffed about the situation. I’m still sore as can be, swollen up like a dead bloated toad, and nothing is helping. Finally, Hannah gets some Advil past me, and starts helping me out with some ice chips and cold ice cream. We can be friends again for that one. But it might take a few more offerings of the ice cream to make up my mind.
I can tell this day will be one of infamy for me. I am the biggest, baddest neighbor in town in my neck of the woods today. I demand everyone’s attention, as my swollen, angry red self asserts itself as the power-to-be for the day. I get all the attention, all the negative feels. I longingly wait for my former nice, not-red-and-swollen, self to return. I dream of all my favourite cold popsicle flavors, and think ice is the best invention ever made. I wonder what I did to deserve this outrageous attack, and vow to fight back the next time.
The next morning I wake up, a little worse for the wear, but feeling a little more like nature intended me to be. I still long for ice, Advil, and popsicles, but I’m more open to the thought of returning to life as regularly programmed. However, I have a few thoughts on the subject of EGD’s, scopes, hospitals, and the like….What’s that saying? “History repeats itself”? There had better not ever, ever be a repeat, that’s all I’ve got to say!